//1 Year Ago//

1 year ago, 

Me.

Sitting there with the black keys

the white keys

spread in front of me.

My reflection in the shiny surface of the piano.

Listening from under a cloud to the words I knew so very well.

And, feeling them all the way through- feelings I didn't know before,

 didn't even know to miss. 

But feelings that had been slowly growing until finally,

 a year ago,

He.

Came into my heart and mind 

and I gave up me, sitting there at the piano, and now 

a year later, though some things are still the same, and some things are still changing

I'm happy to say I am different

because He changed me.

_________________________________________________

Today marks 1 year since I finally was assured deep inside that I am, indeed a Child of God.

I grew up in a Christian home and knew everything I needed to know 

but

I wasn't ready inside. Intellectually I understood, but my emotions weren't prepared yet.

I did believe, in a childish way, but it didn't really change much. I lived as was expected of me more or less, and thought of myself as a good Christian Girl. Which on the outside I was, and I assume still am.

When I got to be a teen I began realizing being a 'Christian Girl' was by no means being a sinless one.

I was feeling only too well just what a sinner I really was, had been and to my sorrow still am.

Not something you realize when you're an innocent little one in Sunday School and VBS.

But something that comes crashing in with a clap of frightening thunder when your mind matures a little, and you see yourself for the human you really are.

So I lived, like the poem says, under a cloud for several years, pretending and patching things up inside, but never having the guts to admit the truth, even to myself.

I remembered asking Jesus to save me when I was little, but I didn't really feel it. I still don't know if I was before, but finally one day, in a special communion service, I sat listening to the Aspects of the Cross, knowing I wasn't sure I was worthy to take the bread and the juice. 

But I was finally emotionally ready to put my full trust and faith in Jesus, not just asking Him to save me, but giving Him my life.

So there it is.

My testimony in brief. (There is more I could go into of the circumstances God used to bring me to this point, but for times sake I won't.)

Since then, though doubt still tries to creep in, I have never let it take over again.

As C.S. Lewis said,

'Faith is the art of holding onto things in spite of your changing feelings and circumstances."

And if there is one thing I've learned, that's it.

And so today, 1 year later, I'm

SO SO SO very thankful for my salvation.

The thing I want most of all is to value it more and more.

Understand it more and more.

Love and Live for Him more and more.

Show Him to others.

Become more like Him. Oh it seems so painfully SLOW sometimes. I feel like Paul-

"Chief of Sinners. Who can deliver me from the body of this death?"

"That which I would, that I do not. That which I would not, that I do."

It's hard.

But Jesus is helping me.

And He'll help you, Christian, be you girl or guy, young or old.

And if you don't know Him-

He's waiting for you.

If you want to ask me anything about it, anytime, please let me know.