// burden //

sometimes the weight of humanity
(including my own)
weighs down my little soul
until it practically sickens me.

If my finite self can be so
crushed with the futile tragedy
of the depraved rejectors of their only cure

how on earth or in the heavens above
must Christ have felt
He who knew no sin Himself
who wasn't only a reawakened dust-mote
but the All Encompassing, bound in a body

how must it have felt to have
 all the massive sin of everyone, everywhere
for the entire span of time
on His shoulders?

Perfect holy shoulders,
streaming blood.

How could they not break
under just one breath of sin?
How could he be willing to
walk beside man and his fallenness
let alone bend under it?

If we could comprehend-
Oh, for the grace to ever truly
appreciate and feel it-

we would be a different
people. Our burden would be
a different one, more profound
and yet lighter.

How can we point our noses and
play at church
when God let sin touch
Himself for our disgusting selves?

written January 11 2016
xxx I've been debating over posting this for a long time...  I don't want to sound judgmental, especially towards the end, because believe me, I'm talking to myself. Always talking to myself. Here it is, anyways. xxx

// on equality and womens true rights//

03/08/2016

ON THIS DAY, International Women's Day, 2016, my thoughts naturally turn to the nature of womanhood, both in its traditional sense, and as it is gradually being reevaluated in modern times.

Our role as women is related, intrinsically and naturally, to our relationship and standing to the role of men, and for that matter other women. What these roles are, and what they are truly meant to be, is a question that has been in the air, humanly speaking,  since the beginning. It's a question that, in all likelihood, will never be resolved to he bulk of mankind while time lasts.

However it is a question we each must ask ourselves, and one we must try to answer in our own heart. And so, it is a question I am addressing right now.

A common complaint is that women are told by their culture and society what they are expected to be. But it is ridiculous to claim that only women are targeted by this. Men are too. And furthermore society alone cannot be held responsible for constraints or expectations we may feel. Our psyche is shaped by our family, our upbringing,our locale and to a great extent our own conscience and constitution. External factors shape us, yes-but to blame them for how we choose to live is weak on our part. We all face presuppositions for better or worse- we must sift through them with prayer and wisdom, and ascertain which are good and which are ill.

The thing I notice is, people only chafe against certain constraints. And those only at certain times. And, still more, are much less likely to chafe when these constraints are against another to the betterment of themselves. In much the same way, we expect men to do certain things for us until we decide they are 'demeaning' or 'objectifying'. We want equality with men, all while criticizing them for the basic things that make them who they are. The purpose or this writing is neither to defend nor accuse men of anything. But I do think it is forgotten that, while trying to bolster ourselves, how much and often we demean them. Or, others who see things differently than us.

I'm all for just opportunity for women, and all humankind. But I propose that we do ourselves a disservice when we perpetually strive for a certain 'equality'. In always pushing for equal footing, equal standing, we lose in a way the very thing that is an equalizer- our aptitude for greatness as we are. When we think we must be men to be equal, we lessen our own worth. What is instead of fighting for equal 'rights' with men, we thought of it as equal rights for women?

A doctor doesn't consider herself lesser simply because she cannot have all the same skills and opportunities as an architect. No, she might not get discounts on building supplies and tools. No, her opinion might not be as sound in judgement when it comes to the construction of a skyscraper. But in no way does this lessen her worth as a doctor! It's the same principle. Just because we might not in some ways be equal to men, or even just other people, does not mean we're somehow lesser or subject to some kind of injustice.

To be told, however subtly, that we must be more to be enough, is exactly what feminists often seem to imply, even though in other forms it is exactly what they fight against. I don't think they mean for their message to sound that way. But, it can feel the same to a girl who both is content and wants to be a homemaker, to be faced by people claiming you must be strong, liberated and have a career- as it feels to a girl who isn't size 2, who hasn't got a perfect nose or the right clothes, to be silently faced with an accusation of 'not enough' by every supermodel and fashion magazine she sees.

So instead of calling for equality of gender or opportunity, lets call for equality of spirit. The realization that no one has to be the same, and that it is our beliefs and our hearts that give us strength, not our career choice or clothing size. That it is the fact that we are living Human Beings that gives us worth, not our job, our age, our size, color, race, or anything else. Our souls are all equal. And they are the only part of us that maters. For they are the only thing that lasts.

So that, I hold, is the true nature of equality and the true right of women and men alike. That of the spirit. The greatest people are often those who must fight against the greatest dearths of in-equal opportunity. This is how one becomes strong. In fact, I think even the idea of equality can be a deceitful one. It can only be had in math. And human existence is most definitely not math. Not rigid, unfeeling numerical computation. Life is much more. And the only equality we have is our standing before God. That of being sinners, in need of saving. That of creatures in the face of our Creator. And if more people contemplated that in silence for a moment instead of shouting causes from the rooftops, they might find their answers clearer.

 

Galatians 3:28 

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

xxx I don't know if this is quite what I set out to write... Actually its quite not. And it sort of digresses from it's opening, to what I was trying to write from the get go. Hum. I may have to write further on the topic. I've just gotten a new notebook specifically for essays of this sort, so I'm going to be practicing them quite a bit. I'd love ideas for topics. It's a 3 subject notebook, so I'm planning on Worldviews, Specific Personalities and Issues, and Random. I'd love ideas, please, please! Thanks for reading, and happy just being alive day- men, women and children alike.xxx

// the truth about love //

alright, we've had a lovely time with roses, lace and love songs. (at least that was the idea. also sorry i failed on song+story). it's nice to focus on love, even romantic love, and to let yourself sigh over the day that might come.

but, days that might come, and a true love that lives in them, aren't the thing to focus on. valentines day is a beautiful holiday for lovers and the loved- but what about those who don't know love? who aren't in any relationship on this day of chocolate and red hearts?

what of those who don't know what the truth about love even is?

valentines day has a high suicide rate, at the beginning a climb in statistics that carries over into the spring/summer. the rush and glow of the holidays wears off, and sad people who were distracted for a moment feel loneliness rushing in again. as spring approaches, they feel things should be getting better, but it often isn't. and the coming of a day to celebrate love, especially romantic love, is enough for many people to drive them to the edge.

{ for those who are sad, happiness isn't happiness. it's easy to think you should try to comfort someone with cheerful words and distractions. for some it helps. but often, to a truly depressed or unhappy individual, happiness can feel like a sham. it doesn't help, but instead stings them like vinegar in a wound. }

in today's world(and i think ever since the fall) culture is obsessed with what it thinks is 'love'. love has become defined as sex, and your inherent value reduced to your appeal thereunto. its not just a problem of today, although modern technology and media have probably taken it to a whole new kind of level. its been a problem since the first bite into the forbidden. in the early passages of genesis we read of the sons of god(debate exists over who/what they were. it doesn't matter for this point, but its an interesting study) and their somehow illicit relationship with the daughters of men.

 from this point on, both the bible and human history is laced with a constant edge of this problem. it ebbs socially, it wanes socially. but the problem is not one of culture- it is one of the human heart. we far too easily blame 'culture' as if it was its own entity. 'culture' exists because individuals make it the norm. of course, this isn't to say that culture doesn't effect our thinking as we live within it, it does. but this is the effect of people on people, of right vs. wrong. not victimization. we are all responsible for our own actions, and our philosophy behind them.

we can sometimes tend as christians to very harshly judge our world and their fallen shortcomings, for some reason expecting they should live to a standard not given to them. but given to us. their standard is nothing. the fact that they have any moral compass whatsoever is only a testimony to God and His goodness, not a reflection of some goodness in human nature. and we so easily forget(i'm not sure how, since often our hearts speak it louder than even our lips can denounce it) that 'of such were some of us.' and 'but for the grace of God- there am i.'

God's word is given for his people to live and judge themselves by. within reason, one another. but i think we can err when we use it too much to try to influence and judge the world. our lives and presence are(or should be) the conviction and testimony that they need. i don't remember where i read(well i think it was pinterest, but i don't remember the author) that as christians our hands should be extended in love, not pointed in accusation. don't you think that a life truly lived to God is more of a stab in the heart than our harshest judgement could be? (see 1 Cor. 6, and 1 Cor. in general.) we are ambassadors, and when we must condemn we must. but our first task is to try to reconcile and draw others.

now, this is not to say that judging sin is wrong, judging as in calling it for what it is. sin is sin. no ifs ands and buts. its so hard, nearly impossible as humans, to wrap our minds around it, because to our eyes everything is on such a graph, a scale of good to bad. but to God, who is goodness himself, anything less, anything fallen, is bad. to us, we can see someone as worse than us- but there is surely someone we can see as better. not so for God. any goodness he can see in us is only his own grace by the sacrifice of himself in the person of His son.

which brings us back around to love.

its such an overused word. even when it's not stated as a word, it's a sentiment that has been watered down to nothing.

i love you.

how little those words can really mean. and yet how much. sometimes those who mean it most don't even say them at all.

but when you are separated from God, there is no way to really know what love means. this is something hard for me to accept and understand. i see people who are unsaved and yet they are loving. to their children, spouses, friends. and yet the truest love, God's love- this can only biblically be found in Christ.

 'herein is love- that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.' 

this is real love. this is, when it comes down to it, the only love that really, eternally, matters. because until we accept Christ's love despite ourselves, nothing else will last. and if something is nothing in the end, than what was it to begin with? this is the love that changed my life, that will continue to, in spite of me, because of Him. it's painful, but growing is. but how can we be selfish enough to keep it to ourselves? we share the judgement but not the salvation. yes, people need to know just how filthy they really are. but you don't just point out their dirt, you have to hand them the one thing that can clean them. only Christ can save, with or without us. but wouldn't we rather be used by Him in this work than have to be worked around and through?

i admit that i'm the last person who should talk. i mentioned on new years what a struggle it was just for me to hand out a tract. (i still stew over that, wondering if i should do more, or shouldn't have done it. knowledge of what is right just doesn't help sometimes.) i'm often nervous to just go through a checkout line. but in the face of my own selfishness, does the need to love dim? it can't. i can't let it.

when it comes to the end, the point is this-

the truth about love is that it's only as valuable as how much it's shared. Christ's love is infinite and it extends beyond the reach of time. we have to share it. love is what can save lives. all those people who will take their own lives tomorrow because they don't feel loved- if they only knew their true worth, of the so much better love that is theirs alone and everyone in the worlds at once.

we have that love in our hands. giving it away only increases it.

valentine's day is beautiful, and yet it also is an ugly curse. its best celebrates a gift, that on even the basest of levels is still a thing of pleasure given. and yet it also shows us the awful truth of what our lives can really be. without love, without God- so very empty.

but with it- it can be so full.

i'm sorry to be so dark. but we can't look away from the truth. i'm talking to myself more than anyone else. but i think it's something we all can always use a reminder of, no matter what.

i do hope you have a good valentines day and sunday. rejoice in your knowledge of what love is- and then share it. and i'd like to hear your thoughts on the article- do you agree? disagree? i want to hear opinions... a lot of these things that i write are me trying to figure them out. throwing them out for my own consideration and yours. so thanks if you read my rants, and sorry if you don't:) a year from now i may read this and have  differences with it. but you have to lay things out to sort them. anyways.

{if you're reading this and you don't know this love, please ask me. or if you are struggling somehow- please know there are people who love you, no matter how it feels. and there is God. }

// doubts //

I wish I could get rid of it.

The vague sense of uneasiness

The tiny whisper inside that

no matter what I'm doing

it's wrong.

I'm wrong.

And when it grows into a persistent murmur 

that everything's wrong

and I have everything backwards

My thoughts go double and start

to spin.

Is what I believe a vapor,

instead of a rock?

Is the world right?

Can my God be trusted?

Is He even there?

Of course these doubts can't stand

but they turn my stomach,

it sinks like the gaze of a guilty criminal

and sometimes it sinks so low

that the windows of my soul

seem dark and streaked with freezing rain

that sometimes turn to burning tears 

on my cheeks.

But this too shall pass.

Rosy sunshine will disperse the dark.

That vague sense of uneasiness 

retreats for the moment.

And my Savior seems so close

and so trustworthy.

Maybe even close to as trustworthy as He is.

And though I can't get rid of it

(that vague sense of my own uneasiness)

Maybe it's not a bad thing.

Maybe these whispers are in there for a reason.

Because if you have no doubts,

you can  walk on water yourself.

But when the doubts begin to drown you,

Jesus puts out His wounded hands

and pulls you into His safety.

Where else should I want to be?

written September 13, 2015

// merry CHRISTmas //

// in the sky
tiny specks of light
glowing
flickering
dancing a little
some long dead, but their light still shining
some being born, waiting for their turn
just as they always have
then
something begins
something begins to grow
and grow
one star
the star
beaming
and whirling
until the whole sky is echoing with it's rays
and the heavens burst open
with a shower of sparks
and
the stars
are all
singing

in the world
tiny flaming souls
trying
or not
maybe laughing a little
or some wishing they were dead
others not knowing the difference
then
something began
something that's still growing
and growing
One Light
The Light
spreading
and washing
until the earth is humming with the news
and some of those little sparks
catch on fire
lit a blaze
and together they
make
a flood
of
flame //

merry CHRISTmas everyone. I hope you have a wonderful day and that you remember the reason for it.

{the manger was really an altar} <- random thought

11\10\15

God places within all fallen mankind one urgent question from which all others stem.

"Who am I?"

In our world today, as we have grown farther and farther from the knowledge of who we really are, we see this question literally tearing people apart. As the world spirals ever downward, in an irreversible plummet started when Adam took one bite of the forbidden fruit, our knowledge of God becomes more and more twisted.

 This is due in part to faulty philosophies spread by evil men who wished to do away with God in hopes of doing away with the question of their own souls. But also, I believe, it is because our hearts, while ever retaining the seed of knowledge God has placed in our image-bearing souls (Romans 1:18-26) are yet corrupted farther and farther, like our human bodies. 

Thousands of years of genetic mutations, caused by the curse of sin, have broken down our physical bodies slowly but surely. I would say that, without the quickening of the Spirit, our spiritual beings are being thrust down the same sure path. The only way this can be contended is by the influence of the Great Physician. And how does He work?

 Through the Spirit in His Children living out His Word. Our lives can touch the world and stay the progression of the disease temporarily- but only if we are faithful and living worthy of our calling(Matt. 5:13-16)

(some thoughts I wrote during a paper for a class, but which ultimately had nothing to do with the question I was answering, therefore I'll share them for my post tonight. They are just that, thoughts I've been thinking that I still need to think more about... if you have a difference of opinion on this or thought you'd like to add, I'd love to hear from you.)

Salvation is Incredible

Sometimes by the Grace of God, I am able to step back & realize-

Salvation is Incredible.

Through Christ, my sins are taken away-

Salvation is Incredible.

I am given the ability to live for God-

Salvation is Incredible

I am given the ability to share Him with the world-

Salvation is Incredible

Anyone who will believe in Christ alone can be saved-

Salvation is Incredible

God is willing to adopt the rebels of His World-

Salvation is Incredible

God is willing to accept ME-

Salvation is Incredible.

Salvation is Incredible.

Salvation is Incredible...

the stargazer

I've seen many many things in my time. Too many to list, too many for me to remember. Some very beautiful, some very horrible... some a little bit of both. And although each touches me to silent tears in its time, most I forget. But once in a while, a story comes along that I love so much that I will remember it always. This story is one such. It's about a little boy who used to be in love...with me.

I still remember the first night he came padding out across the lawn, his blanket wrapped around his shoulders in just the style of many and many a king I've seen before. But this little lad was no king. I later learned he came outside that summer night because the stars on his ceiling had died. So he came looking for some new ones. Silly child. As if the ones up here are new. Even the babies to me are ancient to a little one like him. But he forgot about his search for new stars the moment he looked up.

I watched his eyes widen, drinking in every pinpoint of light he could see. Then his eyes rested on me. His mouth formed an 'O' as his head tilted back until he nearly tipped over. He remained that way for some time, his eyes roving back and forth like a ship on the sea. The glory of the heavens sank into the pool of his eyes... and although many people come to look at our beauty, not many have the dazzle remain. He did. The stars became his mind that night, and the new galaxy created has, true to form, remained expanding ever since.

That was only the beginning of this little love affair. From that night, he came often to gaze into the sky. I watched him grow, far to fast for my liking, after the manner of you earthlings. I was disappointed on cloudy nights when I couldn't see him. On some nights, when my light was dim, I could still-though barely- see him, hands in his pockets, always looking up. It wasn't long before a shiny pair of glasses perched on his nose, and soon I couldn't remember him without them.

 Eventually, he began bringing books and notebooks and charts, and I knew he was learning the ways of the stars and planets and I.  He would sit, far into the night, reading and writing things down. But almost always before he went indoors, he would stretch full length on his back and just stare. In some it would have seemed over bold(I do have feelings, you know) but not with him. Oh, no, not with him. His look was like that of a child in it's innocence and a sage in it's depth. He was a rare one, that boy. I've not seen many like him, even in all my thousands of years and millions of nights. He grew tall before I knew it, and handsome too, I thought. His face had traces left on it from stardust.

 One night, when I reached his yard, I missed him. I couldn't fathom why. It was a beautiful night, clear and warm, and I had counted on seeing him. I even had saved a few shooting stars for him. I worried along my track, looking for him. I hardly saw anyone else. I almost went past him, but just as I was gliding over a college campus, I spotted him. He was walking along, carrying luggage and looking very lost. Just then, he looked up at me. I saw his face relax, forgetting his worries as he looked up at his love. A star blew him a kiss, shameless little thing. After a moment, he sighed and went into the dorm building. But he stood a little straighter than he had before.

After this, I saw him much less than I wished. Sometimes, I'd see him sitting outside and studying. At these times I felt bad distracting him, but it did make me sad watching him force himself to focus on his more mundane tasks. Finally one evening he came out, excitement in every inch of his frame. In his hands he carried a dream he'd long had- a shining telescope. Some classmates were with him. I felt jealous, I was used to having him all to myself. They all stared up, but the stars didn't land in their souls the way they had in his. My beautiful little starstruck darling.

 I often wished I could see him in the day. The sun hogs most people, he does. Great burning glutton. He gets to see everyone living and living, and I only see bits of their love, their loss and their rest. Excepting, of course, the rare ones. Like Him. With them, I get to see their souls, and I don't think the sun has ever been discerning enough for that. Souls can be much like stars. You only really see their true light when the darkness falls around them.

I suppose, after all, it was only fitting that it was under a blanket of stars that this story ends. Or perhaps, begins. I lost his heart. Here is how it happened.

I was moving along, reveling anew in the lovely way my diamond studded train spread around me. I was feeling luxurious that evening. The air was warm and balmy, and smelled like a love song. I also felt fluttery, for I knew I was almost there. His look had gotten much more knowing lately. I no longer felt I was hidden in my gown of secrets. He was starting to know my workings as well as I knew his. It's the downfall of being so much closer to the earth than the stars are. People know more about you. They think they know everything about you, but they don't really. They don't really at all.

Finally I reached it- the sprawling campus of yellow brick. There may be larger colleges on the earth(there are, I've seen them all) but something about this one has always pleased me. So pretty and with a decided smile, even at night. Even when everyone is sleeping, it is at peace and yet alive. That night, everyone was outside, it seemed. Music mixed with the twilight as I rose over them. It took me a long moment to find him. Only a few stars were out yet, and I beckoned them to move faster. I felt like being dazzling tonight. The air was just such that all I needed to complete my evening was a dazzled pair of eyes admiring me. I'm vain, I know. Wouldn't you be, if you were me? I'm beautiful, for one, and I've grown far too fond of all the lovers I've had. In the end, though they always leave me. What bothers me most is when they blame me. As if I made them fall for someone else- I don't. I'm too jealous for that. I do give them my blessing though, when they are true.

I watched him, eagerly waiting for him to look up. His nose was buried in a book, and he appeared to be oblivious to the crowd around him. Look up, look up-

And he did. But his eyes never made it up to me. And yet he looked just as dazzled as any night I ever had met his eyes. And I knew that I'd lost another. Even a man who had loved the night sky more than anything else had not a chance against the one thing more magical than us-

Love.

The star-shine we'd given him was alight, a cosmos brought alive, not by itself(for what can give itself life?) but by a force stronger than the power of a galaxy. Stronger- no. Maybe not. The same strength, in fact. But in a human heart it fits a little better. We, too are part of that same, conquering depth- but sadly outside, at the same time. We're a sentence in a love letter... but a love letter can never suffice in the place of Love itself. But our revelation is no less evident, and certainly not in vain for all that. I think my little stargazer would be able to explain it even better than I, for he is a human, and you alone out of all creation have been chosen to be allowed to really know Love.

perhaps the closest I can say it is this- we are here to show you a Love bigger than even our vastness. But all your looking, and all our shining, cannot give you this Love. It is a Love you must choose, a love you must be given. We almost touched it on the one night more glorious than any other, but still we were only the heralds. The message I'm trying to speak of is one that cannot be uttered in my language. So you will have to find it for yourself.

I watched. Watched as a new stars were born in his galactic mind. Remarkably bright stars. He stood up, and greeted this girl. A lovely thing, it's true. And I thought when I saw her, that perhaps I remembered her too. She certainly had traces of night woven in her hair, and when I caught sight of her eyes I knew it for sure. Two little stargazers, finally brought together. She sat down next to him, and he brought out one of his books. And as they sat there, together, the book open across their laps, he began to tell her our ways, just as he had learned them. And as the last of the stars came out, they looked up.

Together.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just a little short story I wrote this afternoon... it's for a collection my sister and I have begun, titled 'Duets'. We hope to include poems and artwork, as well as short stories. We may even enlarge it to a collective endeavor, we'll see. You'll certainly hear more about it in the future.

I was inspired (in part) for this story by a couple of Erin Hanson's poems(she is a wonderful writer, Ryn and I both thoroughly enjoy her work.)

 all rights- Erin Hanson @ http://thepoeticunderground.com/

http://thepoeticunderground.com/post/127342554590/little-stargazer-august-22nd-2015

My other inspirations- my sister Ryn, her overly romantic view of life in general and the stars in particular, and of course,  the Star-kindler- The One True God.

//Grace- a song/poem by me//

Grace

I'm holding out this gift, 

It's just within your reach,

Believe and take what's offered 

And step across the breach.

I know you feel unworthy,

Like you shouldn't get this grace,

But I died for your redemption,

 And you're not a hopeless case

No one's too far for my love,

No one's beyond its endless reach 

Believe and take what's offered, 

And step across the breach 

You know how much you need me,

 Though you've tried to keep it in, 

I AM enough for all you are,

Every past and future sin

Don't keep on resisting,

Let go of self and pride,

I long to give you perfect peace,

And see you wholly satisfied. 

No one's too far for my love, 

No one's beyond its endless reach,

 Believe and take what's offered,  

And step across the breach

Come to Me now, I'm waiting, 

For you to repent and believe,

Turn from your sin to salvation, 

To the cleansing you can receive

* * *

A song I wrote awhile back.

It's a weird thing... I've written two songs that I actually like

 and both times they woke me up in the morning demanding to be written.

They didn't come from me.

Because I was asleep.

Not thinking

About writing songs or anything else.

But I think it did have some inspiration, other than just God deciding I should write this song,

Someone who was on my mind.

Never stop praying for those who you long to see saved.

Never never never.

Because God wants them too. 

But He wants you to pray for it.

//1 Year Ago//

1 year ago, 

Me.

Sitting there with the black keys

the white keys

spread in front of me.

My reflection in the shiny surface of the piano.

Listening from under a cloud to the words I knew so very well.

And, feeling them all the way through- feelings I didn't know before,

 didn't even know to miss. 

But feelings that had been slowly growing until finally,

 a year ago,

He.

Came into my heart and mind 

and I gave up me, sitting there at the piano, and now 

a year later, though some things are still the same, and some things are still changing

I'm happy to say I am different

because He changed me.

_________________________________________________

Today marks 1 year since I finally was assured deep inside that I am, indeed a Child of God.

I grew up in a Christian home and knew everything I needed to know 

but

I wasn't ready inside. Intellectually I understood, but my emotions weren't prepared yet.

I did believe, in a childish way, but it didn't really change much. I lived as was expected of me more or less, and thought of myself as a good Christian Girl. Which on the outside I was, and I assume still am.

When I got to be a teen I began realizing being a 'Christian Girl' was by no means being a sinless one.

I was feeling only too well just what a sinner I really was, had been and to my sorrow still am.

Not something you realize when you're an innocent little one in Sunday School and VBS.

But something that comes crashing in with a clap of frightening thunder when your mind matures a little, and you see yourself for the human you really are.

So I lived, like the poem says, under a cloud for several years, pretending and patching things up inside, but never having the guts to admit the truth, even to myself.

I remembered asking Jesus to save me when I was little, but I didn't really feel it. I still don't know if I was before, but finally one day, in a special communion service, I sat listening to the Aspects of the Cross, knowing I wasn't sure I was worthy to take the bread and the juice. 

But I was finally emotionally ready to put my full trust and faith in Jesus, not just asking Him to save me, but giving Him my life.

So there it is.

My testimony in brief. (There is more I could go into of the circumstances God used to bring me to this point, but for times sake I won't.)

Since then, though doubt still tries to creep in, I have never let it take over again.

As C.S. Lewis said,

'Faith is the art of holding onto things in spite of your changing feelings and circumstances."

And if there is one thing I've learned, that's it.

And so today, 1 year later, I'm

SO SO SO very thankful for my salvation.

The thing I want most of all is to value it more and more.

Understand it more and more.

Love and Live for Him more and more.

Show Him to others.

Become more like Him. Oh it seems so painfully SLOW sometimes. I feel like Paul-

"Chief of Sinners. Who can deliver me from the body of this death?"

"That which I would, that I do not. That which I would not, that I do."

It's hard.

But Jesus is helping me.

And He'll help you, Christian, be you girl or guy, young or old.

And if you don't know Him-

He's waiting for you.

If you want to ask me anything about it, anytime, please let me know.

Ponderous Thoughts

-Ponderous Thoughts-

Always thinking, even when I'm resting they're there

Like a leaden weight that comes

fighting to life again like a wildcat.

So heavy. They make me clumsy, they trip me up over and over.

On my shoulder-worse. In my mind.

Like having to carry an elephant(that should be carrying me.)

Great monstrous beast.

But then, a long time ago,

Someone else had a ponderous load

that wasn't by right His to carry.

That shouldn't have been a burden at all.

One of others creation, a fallen creation

Not like my self-made elephant-

 HE was master

and the load should have been under His feet

not on His back. 

Wooden Beams of Infinite Heaviness.

The master carrying, and not just carrying the underling, but

every woe and evil the fallen underling x 6 billion x 6 thousand years x an infinity of sin.

More than we can conceive of.

Carrying it all uphill, dying with it, washing it away and rising up above it, above all of it.

Covering it.

Covering me.

So maybe these ponderous thoughts are no curse

Even if a cursed mind and body must bear them

taint them with my own earthiness

and maybe when it seems I shouldn't have to carry them

I can just remember I'm just a servant after all

and made for burden of purpose and glory.

Maybe it seems the thoughts should lighten my load

but maybe they can lighten others

and that,

combined with Grace,

makes the unbearable burden

a little more bearable.

H.D.

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