//what do i know?//

via pinterest

I start to write of things I've never known. But then I remember-
"write what you know."

what do I know?

I know of lonely nights, reproving your mind and trying to pray
sleep coming, like a reprieve,
like a 'take 5' from your feelings.

i know of being happy over something silly
and sad over something sillier.

i know of hating and loving yourself and
the world, wanting to fix both
and not being able to
do either.

But all I need to know, and want to know better,
is that God is bigger than anything I know. He is more than those things,
the answer to them all.

This
I know

from my 'diary', Feb. 1 2016

(how often do you think I should post? do I post too often? I mean, I personally devour other peoples posts as fast as they can write them, but for someone new to my blog there are kind of a lot of posts to go through. thoughts? thanks. )

// valentine moodboard //

{ today's post was supposed to be some sort of project or pictures of my project, but that didn't happen. 

so i guess i'll throw together a little picture post, because it seems the easiest thing to do. }

  

//all images via pinterest //

// you say you want to be alone //

via pinterest

you say you want to be alone.

but i watch you
and i've seen your sad eyes watching others

and i think you don't want to be alone at all

you've just convinced yourself you should be.

after all it is easiest
not quite so frightening

but then if a lifetime alone
all alone
isn't scary
i don't know what is

you're not so very old you know
and you should believe the mirror that tells you you're pretty still

i saw you the other day
when that gentleman walked by you on the street
he looked at you and smiled
and your cheeks flamed just like roses
and you smiled back

you really are pretty

we girls all think so.
you have no idea
we all look at you when you go by
in your pretty plain dress
and secretly wish we were faded and mysterious
and sad
just for a day, to try it out

folks say we young are fools
in love, in life
but the old are fools too
in love and in life

for they often let them drift by
to show us how much better it would be to be wise

but is it more foolish to make a mistake
or to prudently shake your head
or just to pick a nosegay because

flowers are young too
and they share our knowledge
that your beauty doesn't have to die when color does

open your window
open your door
take a step outside
look across the street to the park

did you play here too?
i wonder.
the roses are blooming in the city garden
walk a little farther
take a look.

the gentleman from the other day is here too.
he walks here often.
he does love roses.

they have a scent and warmth
he misses in the office sounds
and drab colors
of his paper world.

does he want to be alone?

or did he, maybe, come walking
looking for those roses again
like you came looking for
a paper poem.

we are all fools
in love, in life
old and young

but there are times when
the greatest wisdom is
 what some call folly,
and the truly wise know is
anything but.

xxx i think i write more to excavate my own psyche more than anything else. oh well. if you like the diggings well enough to read them maybe you can forge them into some sort of shovel to help dig you out too. or just enjoy them for face value since maybe that's all they really are. who knows. xxx

// a short work of fiction //

via pinterest

The tinny clink of the tea pot lid entered my consciousness, although I had perhaps been aware of her presence before that. I put my head over the newspaper. She was making tea, her movements slow and almost irritable.I wondered if that emphatic bang of the lid had been purposefully to annoy me. Knowing Sylvie, it was most likely. I smile and set the newspaper down.

"Good morning, mon cherie." I said, stretching a little. She smiled back, a small smile but a satisfied one.

"Good morning, Alexandre." She replied, her voice scratchy from sleep and a bit weary besides. How I wish the woman would just once explain, to me at least, what goes on inside that head of hers. We've been married two years next week and I still don't know half of what she means and none of what she thinks. For the past few days, she has been this way- even more quiet and curt than normal. I know better than to let it bother me- I always have. Still, it would be nicer if she would just explain herself. I don't know if she can though, not out loud. It's why she's a writer.
I watch her, her black pajamas clinging to her thin frame. She moves, back and forth, through the almost choreographed motions of her morning ritual. The sunlight coming in was golden new, tinged with the reflected light of the buildings across the way. The brown of her hair and the brown of the tiles on the wall merge into one shade, and she looks so very natural and home-like. It swells my heart a little to see as I sit waiting.

She carries over my tea, sweetened exactly the way I like it. One thing I do know- it is these very little things that, from her, mean quite a lot. When we met, in university,  it was the first inkling I had to knowing she liked me as much I as I(to my own perplexity at the time) liked her. She would do little things, like offer to bring back my library books, or even just sitting with me a lunch. These things would mean nothing from some other girls- from her, they mean everything, for she would not go out of her way for another man than I.

She sits next to me, craning over to look at the headlines. I move the paper over.

"Not much. The world is in the same state as always."

"It is the way of things. Every day different, every day the same. Living, dying, being born and reborn." Was her remark. I agreed even if I didn't quite understand her.

 I should note here that I am an accountant, a man of numbers and symbols, things that do as you ask if you use them wisely and require nothing more than adherence to their rules. The only way I succeeded in literature and philosophy was because Sylvie had helped me. Poetry in particular is beyond me altogether. It is surprising, I suppose, that we should have fallen in love. It is, as she would say, the way of things. She is still quietly scanning the paper. 

"There is a notice of puppies for sale." I mention, as casually as I can. She glances up, a strand of bang hanging over one eye.

"Oh Alex. No puppies, not now." She hates dogs, although she has promised that one day when we find just the right one, I can have it. She herself likes cats, which in turn I have an aversion to. One of each would be perfectly fair. In time.

"They are poodles anyways. I don't want a poodle." I said. A grin splits across her face, showing her fine teeth. 

"Why not, I could see you with a poodle. You can wear my beret."

"Very funny." I applaud, standing up and bringing my cup over to the sink. When I turn, she is watching me, her eyes unusually soft, and with a strange exhausted excitement in them.

"What?" I asked as I go to get dressed. She flushes, her cheeks shining in the morning sun.

"Nothing."

* * *

I dress quickly, realizing that I have lingered too long over the empty words of my paper. I hurry towards the door. Sylvie is waiting by my coat, her arms tightly wrapped around her ribs, pulling her butter yellow bathrobe taut. Her fingers quiver a little. I stop under the coat rack, facing her.

"Sylvie, what is the matter?" I asked. She leans back a little to rest against the wall. Her wide hazel eyes pull me towards her and I kiss her. She laughs a little, her throaty little laugh that only comes from deep inside.

"You're going to be late, Alex." She reminds me.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me why you are acting so strange." I declare. She stares at me for a moment, that strange smile still on her lips. It makes her look girlish, something she usually avoided, and with success. Not this morning. Then she tosses her head, flicking her bang out of her glowing eyes.

"Oh, just... don't bring home lamb for dinner because I can't stomach the smell."

"Alright...?" I trail off, not in the least satisfied. She sighs, a breathy, exasperated, exhilarated little sigh and shrugs her shoulders happily,

"What is your favorite name for a baby? And do you hope it is a boy, or a girl?" 

I will be late to work. Quite late, actually.

* * *
 
xxx I don't even know Is the tense odd? I  probably should know exactly what tense it is but I don't. I wanted to write/post something so I picked that picture and went with it. It's not very Christmas-y, sorry:) I am planning and hoping to get one more Christmas short story done in the next few days. I just need to... start it. xxx

// haiku #1 //

// early morning light

coffee pot steaming richly

you across from me //

via pinterest

//such a little member//

My dad asked me to write a devotional for him to teach at a men's supper tonight, so I thought I'd share it here too...

Passage in James about bridling the tongue

Christians today- the continuous cycle and progression of 'acceptable speech' and how it disintegrates over time.

Genesis- the temptation with words, the excuse of Adam and the immediate problem of sin through speech stemming from the fall.

(Those were the original, basic themes my dad gave me to write on, in my wording)

James 3:1-12
 My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation. (James is warning those who would become teachers- you have to be even more careful what you say.)

2 For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body. (If a man-the word here is actually specifically male- can control his tongue, he will have the self-control he needs to control the rest of his body and habits.)

3 Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body. (A bit in a horses mouth, although small in comparison to such a large animal, nonetheless has the ability to steer it completely, especially if the horse is well trained and obedient to it's master.)

4 Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth. (Again, even though a ship can be extremely vast, it is steered by a helm that is a fraction of it's own size, under the direction of the captain.)

5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!(Just like these seemingly small items, the tongue is small in comparison even to just one human body. But it's effects are huge. It has the power through words to start off matters of importance that are far greater than it's own being. Like a little match can start a wild fire if used carelessly, so too is our tongue.)

6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.(In just the tongue can be contained all the sinfulness known to man. You can talk about sin without doing it, and in this harmful conversation your mind and whole body is defiled. Satan can and does use our human tongue to set in motion his plots, if we aren't being careful to practice and train our words and thoughts in Godly directions.)

7 For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: (Animals can be tamed through mans skill, but-)

8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. (Not the tongue. Man alone cannot control that little thing, it seemingly has a mind of it's own!! And it strikes out to others like a snake, poisoning them with our anger, or our sinful ideas, or just our foolishness.)

9 Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. (We often use our tongues to practice out our own hypocrisy and deceit)

10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. (Speaking about God as though we are saintly and then cursing and speaking badly of other humans, fellow image bearers of the very God we claim to bless! I know I(Nina) am personally very guilty of this...)

11 Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? (So what does it say when our words are mainly bitter, except maybe on a Sunday at church or to a friend we meet?)

12 Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh. (It shows exactly what is in the heart, from whence or words and thoughts spring. Sins of the tongue are the outflowing of sinful heart attitudes, and this is why God is so concerned. He wants us to think about what we are saying because when we do, we will have to evaluate where these words are coming from. He ultimately wants to consider our hearts and where they are in first: relation to him and second: relation to others, which is really just a facet of the first point. How we treat others says worlds about how we really, deep down, view our God.)

Ecclesiastes 10:12-13
The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious;but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself. The beginning of the words of his mouth is foolishness: and the end of his talk is mischievous madness.

When we are not practicing bridling our tongue, our habits drag us farther and farther along the sinful path. At the beginning our words may just(seem to)be foolishness, but in the end they produce madness if we don't correct them! And not just madness for us, the speaker, personally- it effects many, many others and though it seems incredible, one foolish speaker combined with other foolish speakers, on and on, ultimately effects all people!

 One man's words plant ideas in another mans mind, he in turn proclaims them until many other people are indoctrinated with lies started by one little tongue. As a side note, our tongues are really always bridled. If we don't have them under control, Satan is only too happy to take the reins and use us. Scary.

Think about the very beginning- The serpents false tongue, used by Satan, Eve's lack of discernment, listening to his lie and then spreading the lie to her husband, and finally Adam's disobedience, brought about the downfall of all humanity. And then Adam used his tongue in sin for the first time-

Genisis 3:12- And the man said, The woman who though gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

He blamed Eve. His words to God were to shift the culpability to another.

Genisis 3:13 And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this though hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

Eve, too, shifts blame to the serpent, whose deceitful words did in fact start the whole chain. God punishes the serpent, Eve, and then Adam. Note that in the passage (Genesis 3:17) Adam is specifically called out for hearkening to the foolish words of his wife, words of devastating consequence.

And so it began. The cycle of words and their effects. From the fall, words immediately became predominantly sinful, stemming from hearts now affected by sin. We see it in our own lives- how ideas start with some speaker and then eventually become established and looked at as truth. Of course not all ideas spread this way are bad, because obviously not all words are bad. It goes both ways. However, falsehood seems to spread much more easily than truth.

But thankfully, the Word came and dwelt among us, and gives us the power to use our tongues to proclaim him. We can use each of our tongues for good or evil- to show who we really serve. To be honest this is scary. How often are our tongues revealing that our focus is hardly on God at all? Way too often in my life, and I suspect in yours too.

So what are you kindling with your tongue? Is it bridled to God's words or is it steering you way off course? It's a little member, but small things can cause the hugest effects, seemingly far out of proportion to the size of what generated them.

Watch your words. Put that unruly tongue under God's will and get out there with confidence! Knowing that if bad words can start a fire of widespread destruction, God's words spoken by obedient servants can start a whole different kind of fire- the Spirit filled fire of revival and salvation.

(I know that I need work in this area. or should I say further work? I've been working on it for years and I most likely will have to continue working on it for as many more. Anyways I enjoyed writing this and was glad to help my dad, although it made me a little nervous that it would be presented before a group! And it's something I want to try to make a point to re-read and apply. I hope you enjoy it too.)

//

//how strange it seems to be so lonely for someone you've never met//

//les miserables//

 

I love Les Miserables.
The book, the musical(25th anniversary concert, is all I'll say), and even the newest film, though I have some issues with, well, most of the casting. I own an old French film version that I've yet to watch, but I can't wait to watch that as well.

The beauty and humanity of the story, the themes of redemption and love, and the drama and realism of the characters.. (I haven't yet read more of Victor Hugo's work, but I'm planning on it. The Disney film of "The Hunchback of Notre-dame" has made me want to read the book, although I know it's much darker.)

And Enjolras and the others don't harm anything either.

"Do you hear the people sing? 

Singing the songs of angry men,

 It is the music of a people 

who will not be slaves again! 

When the beating of your heart

echoes the beating of the drums, 

there is a life about to start

when tomorrow comes!"

Fantine's story is so tragic but true. And although it seems far removed, a story of the past, my heart breaks when I think of the women even today who- through, yes, their own poor choice, much of the time, just like Fantine- are put in the same position. And even though it often is their own fault, does that make it any less sad? I often try not to think about human trafficking- the horror of it is too real and as a young woman myself, a little too close to home in it's fearfulness. But if we turn away, who will help them? I pray that God will someday use me to help those in literal bondage...

"There was a time when men were kind

When their voices were soft

and their words inviting,

There was a time when love was blind,

and the world was a song

and the song was exciting

there was a time....

then it all 

went

     wrong..."

And of course, Cosette and Marius' heartwarming love story. So maybe, in the musical especially, it seems a little... silly. But when you think about it, particularly if you've read the book, their story is a beautiful example of pure, true love. I don't know about you, but when I read Solomon's example of a courtship (Song of Solomon 1-2), I don't see perfectly planned outings and strict rules. Nor do I see immoral, halfhearted dating around with whoever strikes you at the moment.

 I see two people whom God has brought into love, sitting in a garden, talking heart to heart about their love and coming marriage and their deep love for each other. It's beautiful. We shouldn't forget that God ordained love, between the two hearts of a man and a woman. We shouldn't be scared of it, any more than we should cheapen it. Our society has distorted love, but I fear we Christians either go with that flow, or in our proper fear of it distort love too far in the other direction.

Love in the end is just a gift, another picture of Himself that God placed in creation to remind us of who and what He is.

And then there is beautiful Marius-in the book he is a lovely thing, much more so than in the musical-Eponine's selfless love, Jean Valjean of course and his amazing redemption, Javert and his dilemma of justice and grace, The Friends of the ABC and their vision for a better future...

So these are just a few of the reasons I love Les Miz. And you'll probably see more of it in future posts. But for now, 

"Remember the truth that once was spoken- To love another person is to see the face of God."

all artwork original by myself

lyrics from 'Les Miserables'

//pro-life//

Steady heartbeat

Perfect little thumb

peaceful face.

Silver instrument

Silent scream

Whirl of blackness

Dull red nothingness.

"It's all right ma'am

all taken care of."

Really?

"Just a clump of tissue, 

it's gone now."

Really?

Because I thought

 tissues were for drying tears

and wiping runny little noses

not smiling and moving and being alive.

"NOT ALIVE."

Oh really? Really Doctor?

I think you're wrong this time.

"You can go back to normal,

don't worry."

Normal? I'm glad this is

normal for you, because

for the Life you just took,

I somehow don't think

it was.

----------------------------------------------------

"I will praise Thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

"Before I formed you in your mothers womb, I knew you..."