//shadows//

via pinterest

The shadows of doubt in my heart, are perhaps only the areas where my self and sin are blocking the light of God. 

The areas where obstacles, real or imagined, purposeful or unaware, are between me and illumination. Darkening my vision and rendering difficult trust.

 Take my hand, oh Lord, and guide me out of those dark places. Or if it's Your will, help me learn to lean on You with my own eyes shut.

//what do i know?//

via pinterest

I start to write of things I've never known. But then I remember-
"write what you know."

what do I know?

I know of lonely nights, reproving your mind and trying to pray
sleep coming, like a reprieve,
like a 'take 5' from your feelings.

i know of being happy over something silly
and sad over something sillier.

i know of hating and loving yourself and
the world, wanting to fix both
and not being able to
do either.

But all I need to know, and want to know better,
is that God is bigger than anything I know. He is more than those things,
the answer to them all.

This
I know

from my 'diary', Feb. 1 2016

(how often do you think I should post? do I post too often? I mean, I personally devour other peoples posts as fast as they can write them, but for someone new to my blog there are kind of a lot of posts to go through. thoughts? thanks. )

// to be led //

What I'm learning is that to be led by God will not mean static waiting for some invisible and mysterious sign or a voice to illuminate a perfect path. Being led by someone implies movement. And, that you don't nessecarily know where you're going, but that you're trusting someone with better vision than you to take you where you need to be. That isn't even always where you think, or want, to be going. But when you're trusting someone who loves you, you know that they want and will do what's best for you.

Submitting to Christs leading and will, won't mean sitting and waiting. At last I'm realizing this! It will mean moving forward with new freedom, for he will work all out for good. You have to be obedient to scriptural commands and prayerfully trying to make good descisions. But if you make a mistake- listen.

 You can't ruin Gods plan. You might be able to mess it up, humanly speaking, but in the end, the goal is Christlikeness and Heavens glory. On earth, perfection can't happen, until you accept what to you might seem bad. But when you trust in Christ, then and only then imperfect earthly life can be perfected.

This is something I'm thinking about lately, and you'll probably hear more about it. Do you as a reader prefer strictly this sort of thing, or do you like some poetic and project variety? Because I was thinking about doing some style posts, most specifically a Valentine's Day makeup look. Let me know what you think!!

// doubts //

I wish I could get rid of it.

The vague sense of uneasiness

The tiny whisper inside that

no matter what I'm doing

it's wrong.

I'm wrong.

And when it grows into a persistent murmur 

that everything's wrong

and I have everything backwards

My thoughts go double and start

to spin.

Is what I believe a vapor,

instead of a rock?

Is the world right?

Can my God be trusted?

Is He even there?

Of course these doubts can't stand

but they turn my stomach,

it sinks like the gaze of a guilty criminal

and sometimes it sinks so low

that the windows of my soul

seem dark and streaked with freezing rain

that sometimes turn to burning tears 

on my cheeks.

But this too shall pass.

Rosy sunshine will disperse the dark.

That vague sense of uneasiness 

retreats for the moment.

And my Savior seems so close

and so trustworthy.

Maybe even close to as trustworthy as He is.

And though I can't get rid of it

(that vague sense of my own uneasiness)

Maybe it's not a bad thing.

Maybe these whispers are in there for a reason.

Because if you have no doubts,

you can  walk on water yourself.

But when the doubts begin to drown you,

Jesus puts out His wounded hands

and pulls you into His safety.

Where else should I want to be?

written September 13, 2015

// thankful //

I know, I know.

It's the day after Thanksgiving.

Otherwise known as... Black Friday. I once knew why 'Black' Friday, but have forgotten. It doesn't matter. My inherent dislike for it makes it dark enough. The crowds! The people that make up the crowds! The buying. I just have no love for it whatsoever. I went once and once was enough.

But anyways, today, in the shower, I came to a new appreciation for the thing for which I'm more thankful than any other. Not a thing, but a person. Without whom I wouldn't have all the other things I take way too for granted.

That is Jesus.

Even in my thankfulness I know I take Him far too for granted as well. But as I was thinking in the shower(the best place to think) it struck me how no matter who you are, He sees you exactly for what you are. No pretense, no pretending. He knows everything about you. You don't have to try to keep up appearances, because it's no use, even if sometimes you can convince yourself it is.

Knowing He sees you for exactly who you are is scary. Awe-full actually. But also extremely comforting. Because in the long run, He is the only one who's opinion really matters, and His love was enough for him to die for me. And it's enough to keep me. And grow me in Him.

So even if sometimes trying to live so that others are happy with you (or at least not too weirded out;) can get a little weary-and I know we all do it- take peace from the knowledge that, good or bad, Jesus knows who you really are. And loves you anyways. And the only reason to change is so that you are more like Him.

I don't want this to seem like a lovey, 'be yourself' post, because that's not really what I'm talking about. Or a 'do whatever you want to be authentic' post. Because no to that too.

I mean rest confident in who you are- in Jesus.

I hope this is a good reminder for you. It was for me on a hard day.

Happy (late) Thanksgiving!!!

//He commandeth even the winds and water, and they obey Him//

'For He commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof... He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves therof are still.'

Psalm 107:25,29

Winslow Homer

'Thou rulest the raging of the sea: when the waves thereof arise, thou stillest them,'

Psalm 89:9

Winslow Homer

'Which stilleth the noise of the seas, the noise of their waves...

and the tumult of the people.'

Psalm 65:7, emphasis added

God is in control of the universe. The oceans, unfathomable to us, are held or release by His voice, 

their ebb and flow weak compared to His Breath of Life.

We need not fear what men can do to us.

God is more vast, more deep, then the ocean itself. 

We can't even imagine or begin to comprehend.

I wish I could... Instead I will contemplate the sea.

It's wideness(not as wide as His mercy), it's depth(nowhere near as deep as His love) and it's terrible power(nothing compared to Him).

It can wash away a life in a heartbeat.

He can wash clean a life in an instant.

Now that I'm thinking about the ocean I realize I could go until the water meets the horizon 

seeing ways God reveals Himself in this one section of His creation.

I think He must like symbolism, myself.

He put it into every bit of His work. It is for us to look for it. And to see it in all it's beauty. 

And of course. to show it to others. in our own work, picturing His work and Himself. His children, his workmanship- also revealing Him, alongside all creation. 

//Grace- a song/poem by me//

Grace

I'm holding out this gift, 

It's just within your reach,

Believe and take what's offered 

And step across the breach.

I know you feel unworthy,

Like you shouldn't get this grace,

But I died for your redemption,

 And you're not a hopeless case

No one's too far for my love,

No one's beyond its endless reach 

Believe and take what's offered, 

And step across the breach 

You know how much you need me,

 Though you've tried to keep it in, 

I AM enough for all you are,

Every past and future sin

Don't keep on resisting,

Let go of self and pride,

I long to give you perfect peace,

And see you wholly satisfied. 

No one's too far for my love, 

No one's beyond its endless reach,

 Believe and take what's offered,  

And step across the breach

Come to Me now, I'm waiting, 

For you to repent and believe,

Turn from your sin to salvation, 

To the cleansing you can receive

* * *

A song I wrote awhile back.

It's a weird thing... I've written two songs that I actually like

 and both times they woke me up in the morning demanding to be written.

They didn't come from me.

Because I was asleep.

Not thinking

About writing songs or anything else.

But I think it did have some inspiration, other than just God deciding I should write this song,

Someone who was on my mind.

Never stop praying for those who you long to see saved.

Never never never.

Because God wants them too. 

But He wants you to pray for it.

//Fear//

When we hold onto fear, we are really still holding on to our control in a difficult situation. When all we know how to do is fear., to give up control and give it to God would be relinquishing our own power, however feeble and inept.

Just a thought... more to me than anyone.