Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts

Saturday, November 25, 2017

// prayer for anxiety //

Prayer for Anxiety


You have not given me a spirit of fear,
But of power,
And love
And a sound mind.


In the name of Jesus Christ,
The name that went steadfastly to the cross,
That sweat blood in the garden to gain
Power over all powers,
Principality over all principalities-


I send you, spirit of fear and anxiety, behind me
Away to whence you came.


This trembling is not from God.
It is not based in reality,
But in lies that are but temptation to doubt,
Doubt that is but temptation to fear,
Fear that is not from you, but from one who is all deceit
And who seeks to deceive me.


I ask your clarity.
Your calm.
Your peace.
Your rest.
To fill my heart and mind and spirit.


Grant me faith to focus on you,
Grant me calm in every fibre of my flesh,
Grant me your peace that passeth all human understanding.
Give me rest so entirely in yourself
That there is no room for the anxiety that wishes to encircle and invade me

Send yourself through every neural pathway.
Fill my veins with the stillness of your love.
Quiet my heart and the foolish thoughts that draw my gaze into myself,
My self-estimation,
My pride,
And my fears.


You have not given the spirit of fear.
You do not ask, nor suggest, but
Command and empower me to be
Strong and of good courage.
I will not be afraid, or dismayed, by what man can do to me, or think of me.


In the name of Jesus I ask you, Father, to take over this vessel.
I confess the sin of mistrust,
I ask your Spirit to fill up, to cleanse, to cast out
The taint of my unbelief.

Do battle for me.
In this struggle that is not just flesh and blood.


I ask this in weak confidence
Knowing that in my weakness,
You will show yourself strong.
As you have before and before,
As you will again and again.


In the name of Jesus Christ,
Amen.
(Your will is for me, not against me,
And so I place my anxiety into your hands.)


This is an attempt to transcribe a general idea of the prayer that I usually repeat, in various orders, when I am struggling with a bout of anxiety. It's been born of more than 10 years of on and off struggles, particularly because I've been having a bad time of it lately, and is all rooted in either scripture itself or principles of scripture. The parts in italics are parts I tend to repeat several times, almost as a mantra if I can use that term. I firmly believe in the power of addressing besetting sins by name, because they are the work of Satan after all. In naming them, you can center your rejection of them as you claim the promise and power of God. I suggest saying it aloud, or at least under your breath- I find I mean it more that way. I hope this might be of some use or edification for others who struggle with the spirit of fear- feel free to print it or save it somehow if you think it can be helpful for you xx

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

// new series: psalm 51 //

After the incredibly busy spring/summer I had, I’m ashamed to admit that my Bible reading was largely gone by the wayside. One of my greatest character flaws is that I lack ‘stick-to-itiveness' in general, and as my tired little self grew more and more worn out, for some reason I set aside something very necessary. It requires immense mental effort for me to be out and about with people (don’t underestimate the work it takes for an introverted nerd to portray some semblance of ‘normalcy’) and concentrating on God’s word at the end of the day is harder than just looking through Instagram and going to sleep. It’s no excuse, of course, but that’s how it went.

  However, now all of that busyness is over and I’m trying to get started again, slowly, by reading one passage over and over. Don’t get me wrong, I still am working on getting it back into my routine, as much as my life can be called a routine. However, I’m hoping that by blogging about my thoughts on the passage, I will have an incentive to do better. 

 Psalm 51

 This is the great repentant psalm of David after his sin with Bathsheba. It’s such an emotional, but eloquent, lament for the transgression he’s committed against God. His plea for cleansing and renewal is one that should be echoed in our hearts today.

It’s ingrained in human nature to pass the blame, to look at other people’s problems before our own, to excuse our behavior by citing the sins of someone else. And this tendency is good at disguising itself in claims of righteous indignation, of telling the truth, of fighting for justice- of love, even. How many times have you thought about someone’s wrongdoing, out of genuine concern, but while ignoring the things that need to be fixed in your own heart and life? I do it All. The. Time. And I’m pretty sure you do too. Of course, we have a level of duty to help others recognize their sins too - but that means actively calling them out on things and mentoring them through the process, neither of which are particularly effective if your own life is kind of a mess.

And that is what struck me first in this psalm, as David is owning his sin and begging for forgiveness from God. 

  Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
Psalm 51:1-4

Look at the pronouns- ‘I’, ‘me’, ‘mine’, ‘my’, and ‘thy’, ‘thee’ ‘thou’. This is between David and God, no-one else. No-one to hide behind, no-one to blame. Keep in mind, my study bible notes that a year has passed since the incident occurred. I suspect David had done his fair share of blaming, of faking everything was fine, of acting as though his sin had never happened. But in the psalm, he’s reached the point where he’s ready to stand bare before the Almighty and say ‘I’ve sinned against you and I’m throwing myself on your mercy’. 

The Lord sent the prophet Nathan to David (in 2 Samuel 12) to deliver the now well-known story of a man who stole someone else’s only prized lamb. When David expressed outrage at the tale, Nathan indicted him- 

‘Thou art the Man.’. 


It was through the boldness of Nathan’s storytelling that David finally faced the reality of his wrongdoing. He’s reached a point where he’s ready beg the Lord for forgiveness and for help to go on. And it is this that leads to the rest of the Psalm. I hope you’ll join me as I plan to explore the rest over the next few weeks! 

Monday, October 2, 2017

// looking away //

As a writer, I cherish a desire to lighten this  dark world a bit, through words strung together as well as I can. Whether that’s to enlighten someone’s mind or to lighten the burden of their heart, I take the command to be a ‘light in the world’ seriously when it comes to the task that I think God has set for my life. Not as seriously as I should, maybe- but it guides my growth, and encourages me to try harder, to write more, to be… less lazy. Ahem.

However, as I watch the world spiral, I often become jaded. It’s an undeniable reality that goodness and light are hard to find in this planet we call home. We writers have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to inspiration for all that is cruel, dark and twisted. In the face of it, happy little stories seem trite. Sure, ‘Love What Matters’ and other places highlighting the simple acts of goodness that everyday people are doing are wonderful. They are doing something very, very necessary, in my opinion. But when I zoom out and think about the big picture, it’s easy to brush them aside. It’s beautiful, what people do for good. But it doesn’t seem to stop the darkness.

C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien are two of my role models, as Christians, as people and of course, as authors. Their burden is my burden… it’s a beautiful thing to know our work is all united in its common cause. However, when I begin focusing on what I see around me, the interconnectedness of the devil’s web, I begin to doubt their calling and mine. Tolkien’s high fantasy, insisting on the prevalence of good at the end of every desperate struggle, begins to seem näive. Lewis’ claim that, in the heart of image-bearing man is a thirst for truth, rings hollow in my ears. Even Solomon and Paul, telling me in scripture that God has set understanding in man, that they may be without excuse for their willful ignorance and depravity, just crushes me a little lower.

What good am I in the face of this? What good are my words and ideas, made over from words and ideas people of God have been spinning since the beginning of time?

Ah, there it is. Even in the beginning it was light against dark. It was Noah against the world, building not a story but an ark. It was the prophets, crying out. It was my very Savior, telling parables to the people gather round him while knowing they would shout for his death before they ever understood his meaning. And on and on, it’s always been so. Our time is not unique in it's struggle, not really. It’s always been a few against many. The word of God against deafened hearts. And ever it has been the few that hear and come. The tale of a life spent for God doesn’t have to be one of huge grandeur or scope, one of thousands coming and lives being turned upside down.

It could be one person who reads a book and begins to question, to search

It could be one person who can finally believe they aren’t alone, that their broken heart can mend.

It could even just be me, learning to know God so I can write Him into my stories and essays and heart. 

When Tolkien began his epic tales, I don’t think he had an idea that they would change the world. He just wanted to build the world he saw in his mind, and to tell it to his boys before bed. I don’t think it was meant to be a monumental work of literature, it was meant to be a story. A  story into which he poured the truth that framed his life. It was vastly important to him, but I doubt he expected it to be so important to the millions of people that have since read his tale of valor and baseness, vying in a death grip for the rule of Middle Earth. 

So was he naive to think it’s so simple? That the good actions of a tiny hobbit can really matter in the face of the mighty Mount Doom? Or isn’t that what the stories are that God chose to give us in his Word- stories of little people doing big things through and for Him?

So today, as yet another headline shoots us in the face, as the political clamor ceaselessly cudgels our ears, as your own heart begins to sink a little and doubt, like mine has-


Stop staring evil in the face and look up, away, to goodness. To the goodness for which our souls really do long. If you don’t have the answers, look to that truth. If you don’t have love, look to Christ on the cross. Why is it so hard to realize that our problem isn’t the evil we see, it’s the way we are looking at it? We see through a glass, and all that. We have to learn to stop trusting our own eyes so very much and to trust His, to do every little thing we can. The was my mind works is to see things in webs, so to speak- all the horrible things connecting and connecting until I get completely overwhelmed and apathetic, as though nothing can be done. But the good things do that too! They connect and grow and build on themselves. No-one is an island, and everything we do for good or ill can directly change the world.  Just as Samwise says, the good is there and it is worth fighting for.

I’m writing to myself, you know. I know all this in my head (clearly, since I’ve written it). But do I believe it? In other words, am I acting on it? Not really so much. But I want to. And I hope you do too. 

'For God has not given us a spirit of fear; 
but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.' 
2 Timothy 1:7



Friday, August 26, 2016

// thoughts on heaven //

via pinterest 



Today I realized what heaven sounds like for me.
The thought of which made me close my eyes and smile to the sunlight.
I think that heaven will be the end of the questions.
the end of the always '?'
It will be an enveloping, warm, sea of light
and as I drown in it, that will be the discovery of true life.

Then I thought 'for a philosopher(if I even am one. although aren't we all.)wouldn't an end of all questions be like a sort of anti-climax?'

But no, the joy in the questions IS the ever-closing nearness to The Answer. Every new truth is a step in the journey to The Truth.

And when suddenly in a flash the last and darkest question is answered with a sudden influx of beyond light pouring and filling and over-filling until I am not, because I Am is, and beauty unimaginable satisfies that for which my heart has ever longed,

When I know all and nothing, and it doesn't matter because the knowing is nothing next to The Known and what I do know is counted lost and what I don't, gain-

When I can know at last that really, my questions and their answers are so very, very small and that He, Knowledge Himself, is so vast that my worries were laughable and cry-able-

That will be my heaven. that is the land for which I look. Perhaps it isn't so- perhaps Heaven is the finding that question is joy instead of pressure. I think dividing over 'what Heaven will be like' would be very foolish, for anything we wish or think or hope it will be, compared to The Reality, is such an unable comparison that there is nothing to compare the comparison with.

And even as I finish I am struck with a dark bell knoll in the midst of these thoughts.
For if heaven is the Answer to all questions of those who questioned aright,
Then hell will be an eternal gnawing question,
A 'what if'-
That sickening teeter-totter of doubt that burns(yes, burns. fire doesn't need to be literal to consume) your insides,
To those who questioned only themselves and held themselves as answer.

Even so, come quickly Lord.
But let us not sleep until then.
Amen.

  I don't know if I have conveyed the beauty of this thought, the way it feels to me, but let me tell you if I could it is the most wondrous of thoughts.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

// the test of the talents //




The Test of the Talents

Once there was a man, who had much property, money and influence. He had a grand house, full of well cared for servants. All had good reason to both love and dutifully serve their master, for he had done much for all of them. 

Now it happened that the man had to take a journey, far far away and for an indeterminate length of time. Before he left, he called 6 of his servants. They were picked from various ranks and tasks, some seemingly very important and some more humble, the last being a simple stableboy.

To each servant the man entrusted one talent, safe within a bag. These bags were as varied as their recipients, but the matching of bag to person was sometimes surprising. The treasurer was given a simple leather bag, while the stable boy was given a bag made of shining purple silk. 

‘I leave each of you with the same amount- your task is to do with it what you think wisest, and best. When I return, we will see how each has succeeded.’ With these words, the man swept a cloak over his shoulders, picked up his luggage and went out to enter his coach. The servants heard the clatter of hooves and wheels as their master began his journey, and each wondered when he would return. And they all began to ponder how to best use their talent in the meantime.

For some, the decision was swift, others were worried about their own ability to rightly use the money. The treasurer hurried away to his counting table, to begin thinking about the way to invest and make profit. The cook began to think about what it would provide for a great meal to prepare at the return of his master, mentally listing all his masters favorite foods. The stable boy was perplexed, as he returned to his simple room in the stable. He decided for the moment to think more and ask advice of others who might know better what to do with his talent. The housemaid decided that undoubtedly the best thing to do would be to update her own wardrobe- surely the master would think that a worthy endeavor? The gardener began to remember the longing he had once had to risk something really important, and thoughtfully handled the bag, wondering if his time had finally come. The butler began to wonder the same thing, he too thinking about what way he could use this one talent to increase it’s worth, maybe tenfold!

Time passed and the servants began to carry out their various plans.

The stable boy, after hearing each plan of the others, finally decided to use the talent to buy seed and plant a new garden. This soon proved to be a wise choice, for the gardener could no longer tend his duties. The others didn’t give much mind to the simple stable boy as he toiled at his garden after his normal duties, but they would have missed the fruit of his labor had it ceased.

The treasurer first began to think about a wise investment. But before long, the one talent of his own began to have a strange effect on him. He polished and fondled it, tossing away the masters leathern bag and fashioning a gaudy jeweled box to display his talent as it glittered uselessly on the shelf.

The cook, knowing that he lacked the skill or canniness to invest his talent outside, instead saved it carefully against the day the master returned, his magnificent feast already planned in his mind. In the meantime he continued faithfully  carry out his duties in the kitchen, preparing the food that the stable boy brought in.

The housemaid went and bought a new wardrobe and soon her work began to suffer, for she dawdled before the mirror and flounced with her dresses when she ought to have been working. She began, with her new finery, to flirt and tease some of the menservants, and began to slowly lose her once good reputation even in the town. Many wondered at the master keeping such a loose and frivolous maid, and his name began to suffer through her careless, vain actions.

The gardener and the butler both researched the best options for investing their talents. Neither lacked in careful planning, but they avoided the foolishness of the treasurer in laying dormant for so long that the talent became an end in itself. Each invested their talent. Before long, the gardener gain was pouring back in, a great success. But the butler, through no fault of his own, lost even the one talent he had used. He was devastated and fearful, wondering what the master would do.

Eventually, the master arrived with no warning. The house went into a flurry, the maid trying futilely to catch up on her neglected work, the cook ordering ingredients and cooking madly, sending the stable boy out for his prize vegetables. The treasurer gave his talent a last polish, shining up even the box in which it sat. In the shadow of the masters return it seemed to have somehow lost its luster, and a strange nervousness sat in his heart. The gardener prepared a presentation of his earnings, while the butler, his lips dry and his spirit heavy, tried to think what he could say to his master. At last the meal was set, and the master called all 6 servants into the room. They waited, quietly, while he ate. At last, he cleared his throat and sat back.

‘Before I left, I entrusted you each with one talent, to use wisely. Now I have returned and the time is come to give an account of how you have done. Cook, you have outdone yourself with this wonderful meal- I have tasted all of my favorite things and your personal gift to me has given me much joy. How did you use your talent?’

“Well, master, you’ve been eating it. I couldn’t think of anything better I’d like to do than to cook you the best meal possible, one that you alone would enjoy more than anyone else could. So I’ve planned and planned, and now you’ve had it, and I’m truly happy if you liked it sir, that I am.’ And he gave a little bow, his round cheeks even more flushed than usual. 

The master smiled. ‘Your gift thought only to give me pleasure. And yet, I see too that everyone here has been well fed in my absence. You were faithful in your task and that gives me as much pleasure as this-‘ he motioned to the table-‘ your labour of love. Well done, my faithful servant.’

Next came the house maid, her fancy dress swishing on the floor. She stood in a theatrical way, purposefully exaggerated. The master observed her with a critical eye, under which her brazenness faded. She looked down and began-

‘I- I bought myself new things, with my talent, sir. I- I thought, well, you know- it would look nicer, around the house and surely it’s no crime for a lass to want a few pretty things.’ She was growing defensive, though the master had said nothing. ‘Folks notice me, in town, and they know who I work for, that they do. Maybe my heads been turned a little, but my works not suffered, not much that is-‘

‘You have fooled yourself, child, if no one else. Yes, fooled yourself and made a fool of yourself, at once. I have heard in town of your new reputation, and it’s reflection on mine. Your vanity and selfish self-absorption have caused more damage than you know, to yourself and others. Those garments you bought can do nothing for you, and I want you to gather them up and burn them, then return to the duties you are meant to fulfill. The only garments suitable for my house are those I gave you.’ 

The maid stepped back and burst into tears. Next, the treasurer came, clutching his box with desperate pride.

‘I thought about many things I could do with this talent, sir… I counted up many sums that could have worked well to invest, and thought of many things I could purchase. But then I began to realize sir, how lovely the talent really was. I think I’ve never seen such a talent as this one, in all the years of counting and keeping I’ve done. So I used my own time and money to produce this box to display it in, and I’ve polished and cared for it so. See, how it shines?’ His voice, though still loving and almost furtive as he gazed into the box, had a disillusioned ring to the edge. The master looked sad.

‘This talent was not given to you, for you. It was not given as an end, but as a means. And yet you have turned it into an idol, and worse yet an utterly useless one. I would far rather you had lost the talent at the bottom of the sea than see you so given over to it, as though it were a living thing. I have been told of how little you now provide for the needs of the poor, and though I wondered at the telling at first it is now made plain to me. You have devoted your time to something that in the end is nothing. The only course that can help you now is to destroy the box and the talent within. But the box is yours and you cannot rid yourself of one without the other. This choice is yours- but if you refuse you will no longer be able to retain your post. ‘

The treasurer stared for a long moment from his master to the box. But it was too late. Though the sight of the glittering thing jarred his eyes now, and he almost hated it, it had too thoroughly stolen his heart. His feet as heavy as lead, he left the room. His master watched him go with deep sorrow etched on his face, almost as though his very heart ached.

“Perhaps someday his fate will change and he will be restored once more. Until he is willing to give it up, I can do no more. And you, stable boy. You were awed by the riches of the bag I gave you as much as the value of the money inside. What have you done with your talent?’

The stable boy shifted from foot to foot, embarrassed at being called on.

‘Well, begging you pardon, I didn’t rightly know what to do at first. I heard all the others plans and, begging all your pardons, none of them seemed quite right for me, if you know what I mean sir. I did think about doing something grand, but I didn’t know just what. And then I said to myself, ‘you’re nothing but a little fellow, and simple at that. Do something as you can handle, my lad, or you’ll just look a fool.’ So I looked about and don’t you know, I’ve always hankered to grow a garden of my own, much as I love the horses and critters. So I bought seeds, and a book or two, and I started work. And wouldn’t you know, I wasn’t half bad, begging your pardon sir, and yours Mr. Gardener. But things just grew and grew, the more I worked at them the better it seemed. And then, you know, Mr. Gardener couldn’t keep up with his work on account he had to tend to other things, so since I was already doing my own I just stepped in, as it it were. Just as handy! So, sir, that’s what I done, begging your pardon. I hope it was well, though I can hardly hope it was as wise as it ought to have been, and I daresay I should have chosen different. I did do my best, though, sir.’ Abashed at the length of his own speech, the stable boy stepped back into line without waiting for his masters reply. His master was smiling.

‘Blessed are the humble, for they shall be exalted’ He said. ‘You have done wisely, and rightly, my boy. Not only did you remember your own shortcomings, you have used them to bring great gain. Not only did you do well yourself, you were there to help another. Your contribution aided the whole household, although you didn’t boast, nor many even thank or notice. Yet I see all, and I commend you. Well done, my good, faithful, humble servant!’

 The masted turned last to the two remaining. The gardener looked eager, but the butler didn’t raise his eyes, licking his lips and wringing his hands. The master looked concerned, but graciously called the gardener first. He stepped out confidently, holding out a folder filled with papers. This his master took, and perused it while the gardener spoke. 

‘ You know, sir, I’ve long wanted to really DO something, something big and risky. Not foolhardy, but something that really counted, that could cost me something. Something that could tear you up by the roots- not to go all garden talk on you. But I did my research- some of which you can see in that folder- and I went for it. I invested the money you gave me and it’s payed back 10 times more than I even hoped. And what is more, it’s now firmly rooted so it should keep bearing fruit for years to come. I’m proud, sir, I won’t deny it. But I’m also thankful, thankful I dared to try it and be able to stand here with my head high-‘ 

He paused, suddenly remembering the butler, whose set face had paled a little. ‘But I certainly can take no credit beyond doing my research and trying to do right. A man can’t do more than that. The rest’s just luck, or providence, I guess.’ He finished quietly, glancing at the butler. 

These last words seemed to bolster the butler a little and without waiting, he stepped forward.
‘It was the same for me, as what he described.’  His voice trembled. ‘I looked at all the information and chose what I thought would be best, but- I failed, sir. I failed, I lost the talent, and disgraced your house. If you see fit I would not think it wrong of you to send me away, sir.’ A tear slipped down his cheek despite his efforts to be calm. At last his strength failed and he put a hand to his face, quiet sobs shaking his shoulders. The gardener put a comforting hand on his shoulder. What would the master say? 

He said nothing for a long moment. Then, the sound of the chair being pushed back across the floor startlingly loud in the silence, he rose.

‘You say you failed.’ He began, his eyes distant. ‘How do we define failure? You did the same as this man- but the outcome was different. Can we judge your actions by their purpose? Or must we judge them solely by their consequence? You set out to do right- you did do right. Your intention was to do what was best with your talent. You think you failed, because what happened was not what you thought should happen. But you, yourself, have not failed. You did well. ‘ He reached into his pocket and held out a new talent, glinting in the evening sunlight that poured through the window. ‘Not only did you do your best, you came to me honestly when you had failed, if failure you call it. Here is a second chance. But never forget that what we see as failure can in fact be the gateway to something even better.’ 

The change that came over the butlers face was astonishing. It seemed to radiate with a reflection of the sunlight that already had begun to fade. He bowed low.

‘Thank you, master.’ His voice shook, but gained strength as he went on. ‘I see now that your test of our wisdom was in fact a display of your own. You wished us not only to do, but to learn. To learn of ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses. But also to learn of you. You’ve given me this second chance, and it is my honor to continue to serve you as best as I can.’

The master smiled, and looked from one to another.

‘He has spoken rightly. You have all done what you thought best. Or,’ glancing at the housemaid,  ‘what you wished was best, though in your heart I think you knew the difference. And you have all learned something. You now can better serve both me, and the world, if you choose to use your learning rightly. Now, you may go. Go and continue to learn, continue to serve. And remember this test of the talents.’


The end.

this is something I've been pondering for sometime. I needed in my own heart to know- what would the Master say?? And although I think this is the answer, it's so hard to accept in your heart. What if my own plans went awry? Could I trust the Master to make things right, His way? This story is a challenge for me, and I hope to readers as well. Let me know what you think!! The one character I forgot was a grumbler- maybe someday I'll rework the story and add some things. In the meantime- enjoy!!

p.s. I searched for hours to try to find a nice image to go with this but I give up. Abbiee et al., I don't know how you do it. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

// the quote tag pt. 3 //


Now, I might differ in that I have strong feelings about early man and the way humankind has 'progressed' since the fall.  Don't ever talk to me about cave men or you might regret it. Therefore if he's buying into the idea of early man being primitive in their understanding I reject that part. However, I don't think he necessarily is; and even if so, the quote still speaks truth. Besides, who's to say that thinking of tree's and stars in such mystical terminology is less developed? Our reasonable explanations for these things have in some ways taken from them.

Anyways, I was actually just thinking about these sorts of concepts yesterday afternoon in the car, before I came home and looked at quotes haha. The older I get the more I feel there is incredible, in some cases incomprehensible, imagery and symbolism woven into the tapestry of even the simplest things of nature. The Bible speaks to God's revelation in nature, and in our own hearts.

Of course, it can never be comparable to scripture- our doctrine and truth must be founded always and only in the Word. But we can, through the light it gives our eyes, then view all of creation as a beautiful storybook, with the most exquisite of illustration and masterful execution. We can look for the truths we already know for fact in the Bible, then hidden in swirls and whispers all around us.

So thats the end of the tag!! Hope I don't sound too weird or mystical because that's definitely not how I'm meaning it.

I enjoyed it a lot, so thanks again to Maggie @ Traveling Home for the tag!

My last nominees-

Ava @ Quiet Land
Abbiee @Abbiee- the music blog

I'll be back before long with some new posts, look for a book review, an instagram roundup and who knows what all else. So there you go!!




Thursday, April 21, 2016

// burden //

sometimes the weight of humanity
(including my own)
weighs down my little soul
until it practically sickens me.

If my finite self can be so
crushed with the futile tragedy
of the depraved rejectors of their only cure

how on earth or in the heavens above
must Christ have felt
He who knew no sin Himself
who wasn't only a reawakened dust-mote
but the All Encompassing, bound in a body

how must it have felt to have
 all the massive sin of everyone, everywhere
for the entire span of time
on His shoulders?

Perfect holy shoulders,
streaming blood.

How could they not break
under just one breath of sin?
How could he be willing to
walk beside man and his fallenness
let alone bend under it?

If we could comprehend-
Oh, for the grace to ever truly
appreciate and feel it-

we would be a different
people. Our burden would be
a different one, more profound
and yet lighter.

How can we point our noses and
play at church
when God let sin touch
Himself for our disgusting selves?

written January 11 2016
xxx I've been debating over posting this for a long time...  I don't want to sound judgmental, especially towards the end, because believe me, I'm talking to myself. Always talking to myself. Here it is, anyways. xxx

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

// on equality and womens true rights//

03/08/2016




ON THIS DAY, International Women's Day, 2016, my thoughts naturally turn to the nature of womanhood, both in its traditional sense, and as it is gradually being reevaluated in modern times.

Our role as women is related, intrinsically and naturally, to our relationship and standing to the role of men, and for that matter other women. What these roles are, and what they are truly meant to be, is a question that has been in the air, humanly speaking,  since the beginning. It's a question that, in all likelihood, will never be resolved to he bulk of mankind while time lasts.

However it is a question we each must ask ourselves, and one we must try to answer in our own heart. And so, it is a question I am addressing right now.

A common complaint is that women are told by their culture and society what they are expected to be. But it is ridiculous to claim that only women are targeted by this. Men are too. And furthermore society alone cannot be held responsible for constraints or expectations we may feel. Our psyche is shaped by our family, our upbringing,our locale and to a great extent our own conscience and constitution. External factors shape us, yes-but to blame them for how we choose to live is weak on our part. We all face presuppositions for better or worse- we must sift through them with prayer and wisdom, and ascertain which are good and which are ill.

The thing I notice is, people only chafe against certain constraints. And those only at certain times. And, still more, are much less likely to chafe when these constraints are against another to the betterment of themselves. In much the same way, we expect men to do certain things for us until we decide they are 'demeaning' or 'objectifying'. We want equality with men, all while criticizing them for the basic things that make them who they are. The purpose or this writing is neither to defend nor accuse men of anything. But I do think it is forgotten that, while trying to bolster ourselves, how much and often we demean them. Or, others who see things differently than us.

I'm all for just opportunity for women, and all humankind. But I propose that we do ourselves a disservice when we perpetually strive for a certain 'equality'. In always pushing for equal footing, equal standing, we lose in a way the very thing that is an equalizer- our aptitude for greatness as we are. When we think we must be men to be equal, we lessen our own worth. What is instead of fighting for equal 'rights' with men, we thought of it as equal rights for women?

A doctor doesn't consider herself lesser simply because she cannot have all the same skills and opportunities as an architect. No, she might not get discounts on building supplies and tools. No, her opinion might not be as sound in judgement when it comes to the construction of a skyscraper. But in no way does this lessen her worth as a doctor! It's the same principle. Just because we might not in some ways be equal to men, or even just other people, does not mean we're somehow lesser or subject to some kind of injustice.

To be told, however subtly, that we must be more to be enough, is exactly what feminists often seem to imply, even though in other forms it is exactly what they fight against. I don't think they mean for their message to sound that way. But, it can feel the same to a girl who both is content and wants to be a homemaker, to be faced by people claiming you must be strong, liberated and have a career- as it feels to a girl who isn't size 2, who hasn't got a perfect nose or the right clothes, to be silently faced with an accusation of 'not enough' by every supermodel and fashion magazine she sees.

So instead of calling for equality of gender or opportunity, lets call for equality of spirit. The realization that no one has to be the same, and that it is our beliefs and our hearts that give us strength, not our career choice or clothing size. That it is the fact that we are living Human Beings that gives us worth, not our job, our age, our size, color, race, or anything else. Our souls are all equal. And they are the only part of us that maters. For they are the only thing that lasts.

So that, I hold, is the true nature of equality and the true right of women and men alike. That of the spirit. The greatest people are often those who must fight against the greatest dearths of in-equal opportunity. This is how one becomes strong. In fact, I think even the idea of equality can be a deceitful one. It can only be had in math. And human existence is most definitely not math. Not rigid, unfeeling numerical computation. Life is much more. And the only equality we have is our standing before God. That of being sinners, in need of saving. That of creatures in the face of our Creator. And if more people contemplated that in silence for a moment instead of shouting causes from the rooftops, they might find their answers clearer.

 

Galatians 3:28 

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.


xxx I don't know if this is quite what I set out to write... Actually its quite not. And it sort of digresses from it's opening, to what I was trying to write from the get go. Hum. I may have to write further on the topic. I've just gotten a new notebook specifically for essays of this sort, so I'm going to be practicing them quite a bit. I'd love ideas for topics. It's a 3 subject notebook, so I'm planning on Worldviews, Specific Personalities and Issues, and Random. I'd love ideas, please, please! Thanks for reading, and happy just being alive day- men, women and children alike.xxx

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

//shadows//

via pinterest

The shadows of doubt in my heart, are perhaps only the areas where my self and sin are blocking the light of God. 
The areas where obstacles, real or imagined, purposeful or unaware, are between me and illumination. Darkening my vision and rendering difficult trust.
 Take my hand, oh Lord, and guide me out of those dark places. Or if it's Your will, help me learn to lean on You with my own eyes shut.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

//what do i know?//


via pinterest



I start to write of things I've never known. But then I remember-
"write what you know."

what do I know?

I know of lonely nights, reproving your mind and trying to pray
sleep coming, like a reprieve,
like a 'take 5' from your feelings.

i know of being happy over something silly
and sad over something sillier.

i know of hating and loving yourself and
the world, wanting to fix both
and not being able to
do either.

But all I need to know, and want to know better,
is that God is bigger than anything I know. He is more than those things,
the answer to them all.

This
I know

from my 'diary', Feb. 1 2016

(how often do you think I should post? do I post too often? I mean, I personally devour other peoples posts as fast as they can write them, but for someone new to my blog there are kind of a lot of posts to go through. thoughts? thanks. )

Saturday, February 13, 2016

// the truth about love //

alright, we've had a lovely time with roses, lace and love songs. (at least that was the idea. also sorry i failed on song+story). it's nice to focus on love, even romantic love, and to let yourself sigh over the day that might come.

but, days that might come, and a true love that lives in them, aren't the thing to focus on. valentines day is a beautiful holiday for lovers and the loved- but what about those who don't know love? who aren't in any relationship on this day of chocolate and red hearts?

what of those who don't know what the truth about love even is?

valentines day has a high suicide rate, at the beginning a climb in statistics that carries over into the spring/summer. the rush and glow of the holidays wears off, and sad people who were distracted for a moment feel loneliness rushing in again. as spring approaches, they feel things should be getting better, but it often isn't. and the coming of a day to celebrate love, especially romantic love, is enough for many people to drive them to the edge.

{ for those who are sad, happiness isn't happiness. it's easy to think you should try to comfort someone with cheerful words and distractions. for some it helps. but often, to a truly depressed or unhappy individual, happiness can feel like a sham. it doesn't help, but instead stings them like vinegar in a wound. }

in today's world(and i think ever since the fall) culture is obsessed with what it thinks is 'love'. love has become defined as sex, and your inherent value reduced to your appeal thereunto. its not just a problem of today, although modern technology and media have probably taken it to a whole new kind of level. its been a problem since the first bite into the forbidden. in the early passages of genesis we read of the sons of god(debate exists over who/what they were. it doesn't matter for this point, but its an interesting study) and their somehow illicit relationship with the daughters of men.

 from this point on, both the bible and human history is laced with a constant edge of this problem. it ebbs socially, it wanes socially. but the problem is not one of culture- it is one of the human heart. we far too easily blame 'culture' as if it was its own entity. 'culture' exists because individuals make it the norm. of course, this isn't to say that culture doesn't effect our thinking as we live within it, it does. but this is the effect of people on people, of right vs. wrong. not victimization. we are all responsible for our own actions, and our philosophy behind them.

we can sometimes tend as christians to very harshly judge our world and their fallen shortcomings, for some reason expecting they should live to a standard not given to them. but given to us. their standard is nothing. the fact that they have any moral compass whatsoever is only a testimony to God and His goodness, not a reflection of some goodness in human nature. and we so easily forget(i'm not sure how, since often our hearts speak it louder than even our lips can denounce it) that 'of such were some of us.' and 'but for the grace of God- there am i.'

God's word is given for his people to live and judge themselves by. within reason, one another. but i think we can err when we use it too much to try to influence and judge the world. our lives and presence are(or should be) the conviction and testimony that they need. i don't remember where i read(well i think it was pinterest, but i don't remember the author) that as christians our hands should be extended in love, not pointed in accusation. don't you think that a life truly lived to God is more of a stab in the heart than our harshest judgement could be? (see 1 Cor. 6, and 1 Cor. in general.) we are ambassadors, and when we must condemn we must. but our first task is to try to reconcile and draw others.

now, this is not to say that judging sin is wrong, judging as in calling it for what it is. sin is sin. no ifs ands and buts. its so hard, nearly impossible as humans, to wrap our minds around it, because to our eyes everything is on such a graph, a scale of good to bad. but to God, who is goodness himself, anything less, anything fallen, is bad. to us, we can see someone as worse than us- but there is surely someone we can see as better. not so for God. any goodness he can see in us is only his own grace by the sacrifice of himself in the person of His son.

which brings us back around to love.

its such an overused word. even when it's not stated as a word, it's a sentiment that has been watered down to nothing.

i love you.

how little those words can really mean. and yet how much. sometimes those who mean it most don't even say them at all.

but when you are separated from God, there is no way to really know what love means. this is something hard for me to accept and understand. i see people who are unsaved and yet they are loving. to their children, spouses, friends. and yet the truest love, God's love- this can only biblically be found in Christ.

 'herein is love- that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.' 

this is real love. this is, when it comes down to it, the only love that really, eternally, matters. because until we accept Christ's love despite ourselves, nothing else will last. and if something is nothing in the end, than what was it to begin with? this is the love that changed my life, that will continue to, in spite of me, because of Him. it's painful, but growing is. but how can we be selfish enough to keep it to ourselves? we share the judgement but not the salvation. yes, people need to know just how filthy they really are. but you don't just point out their dirt, you have to hand them the one thing that can clean them. only Christ can save, with or without us. but wouldn't we rather be used by Him in this work than have to be worked around and through?

i admit that i'm the last person who should talk. i mentioned on new years what a struggle it was just for me to hand out a tract. (i still stew over that, wondering if i should do more, or shouldn't have done it. knowledge of what is right just doesn't help sometimes.) i'm often nervous to just go through a checkout line. but in the face of my own selfishness, does the need to love dim? it can't. i can't let it.

when it comes to the end, the point is this-

the truth about love is that it's only as valuable as how much it's shared. Christ's love is infinite and it extends beyond the reach of time. we have to share it. love is what can save lives. all those people who will take their own lives tomorrow because they don't feel loved- if they only knew their true worth, of the so much better love that is theirs alone and everyone in the worlds at once.

we have that love in our hands. giving it away only increases it.

valentine's day is beautiful, and yet it also is an ugly curse. its best celebrates a gift, that on even the basest of levels is still a thing of pleasure given. and yet it also shows us the awful truth of what our lives can really be. without love, without God- so very empty.

but with it- it can be so full.

i'm sorry to be so dark. but we can't look away from the truth. i'm talking to myself more than anyone else. but i think it's something we all can always use a reminder of, no matter what.

i do hope you have a good valentines day and sunday. rejoice in your knowledge of what love is- and then share it. and i'd like to hear your thoughts on the article- do you agree? disagree? i want to hear opinions... a lot of these things that i write are me trying to figure them out. throwing them out for my own consideration and yours. so thanks if you read my rants, and sorry if you don't:) a year from now i may read this and have  differences with it. but you have to lay things out to sort them. anyways.

{if you're reading this and you don't know this love, please ask me. or if you are struggling somehow- please know there are people who love you, no matter how it feels. and there is God. }