Monday, September 7, 2015

//1 Year Ago//

1 year ago, 
Me.
Sitting there with the black keys
the white keys
spread in front of me.
My reflection in the shiny surface of the piano.
Listening from under a cloud to the words I knew so very well.
And, feeling them all the way through- feelings I didn't know before,
 didn't even know to miss. 
But feelings that had been slowly growing until finally,
 a year ago,
He.
Came into my heart and mind 
and I gave up me, sitting there at the piano, and now 
a year later, though some things are still the same, and some things are still changing
I'm happy to say I am different
because He changed me.
_________________________________________________

Today marks 1 year since I finally was assured deep inside that I am, indeed a Child of God.
I grew up in a Christian home and knew everything I needed to know 
but
I wasn't ready inside. Intellectually I understood, but my emotions weren't prepared yet.
I did believe, in a childish way, but it didn't really change much. I lived as was expected of me more or less, and thought of myself as a good Christian Girl. Which on the outside I was, and I assume still am.

When I got to be a teen I began realizing being a 'Christian Girl' was by no means being a sinless one.
I was feeling only too well just what a sinner I really was, had been and to my sorrow still am.
Not something you realize when you're an innocent little one in Sunday School and VBS.
But something that comes crashing in with a clap of frightening thunder when your mind matures a little, and you see yourself for the human you really are.

So I lived, like the poem says, under a cloud for several years, pretending and patching things up inside, but never having the guts to admit the truth, even to myself.
I remembered asking Jesus to save me when I was little, but I didn't really feel it. I still don't know if I was before, but finally one day, in a special communion service, I sat listening to the Aspects of the Cross, knowing I wasn't sure I was worthy to take the bread and the juice. 
But I was finally emotionally ready to put my full trust and faith in Jesus, not just asking Him to save me, but giving Him my life.

So there it is.
My testimony in brief. (There is more I could go into of the circumstances God used to bring me to this point, but for times sake I won't.)
Since then, though doubt still tries to creep in, I have never let it take over again.
As C.S. Lewis said,
'Faith is the art of holding onto things in spite of your changing feelings and circumstances."
And if there is one thing I've learned, that's it.

And so today, 1 year later, I'm
SO SO SO very thankful for my salvation.
The thing I want most of all is to value it more and more.
Understand it more and more.
Love and Live for Him more and more.
Show Him to others.

Become more like Him. Oh it seems so painfully SLOW sometimes. I feel like Paul-
"Chief of Sinners. Who can deliver me from the body of this death?"
"That which I would, that I do not. That which I would not, that I do."
It's hard.
But Jesus is helping me.
And He'll help you, Christian, be you girl or guy, young or old.
And if you don't know Him-
He's waiting for you.
If you want to ask me anything about it, anytime, please let me know.

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for this, it was pretty awesome. I got saved when I was nine. I know that's pretty young, but I know that was when I asked God into my heart and I've never really doubted that that is when I truly got born again. I remember it was such a joyful time for me, I had been under serious conviction for two or three weeks and that was when I kinda gave in. And I have been changing since, it's definitely not always easy, and sometimes plain hard, but so so worth it in the end. (amen?) And oftentimes I wonder if I've really changed at all; then I have to remind myself that I am a work in progress. But the story is so not ended. There's still so much to work through and I still have to open myself up and allow myself to change, and respond under conviction. =)
    I hope I don't get annoying with all my comments but this one I really connected with. Thank you so much!

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    1. You are welcome, thank YOU for reading!! That is wonderful!!! It is young, but everyone is ready at different times. My sister was quite a bit younger than me, and then my mom wasn't saved until she was in her 20s. And yes, that night was so peaceful and joyful! I just kept smiling:) I didn't actually tell anyone, I decided I wanted to wait 1 year and then see if I still felt sure. And I do, more than even then. I agree with everything you say- it's so easy to get discouraged with your own dismal self sometimes!! But it's not us- it's Jesus(thankfully!)

      And no, don't ever think it's annoying! I absolutely LOVE hearing from people esp. when it means I know I've blessed them somehow!!! <3 thank you again!

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  2. I agree everyone is ready at different ages. My dad was 12 and my mom 18. And not everyone has a very definite moment when they are born again, that's ok too. =) I remember how we (my dad and brother and me) went out and sang that evening and I was so joyful and bubbly and free. =) Such an amazing feeling. Though I know not everyone has feelings I'm certainly glad I did. =) Love you, thanks again.

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    1. Yes, what matters in the long run, no matter when you got saved, is your personal walk with Christ and how it grows and eventually how strong it is when you finish. Yes, me too. I'm naturally very internal and sometimes my feelings are confusing/confused but the happy peace in my heart was definite! Love you too, I'm so glad(again)that this post was a blessing!!

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