Monday, April 25, 2016

// drawing //


decided to chill, draw and listen to music, in defiance of the huge amount of dishes i need to wash... they'll wait a little longer. today's the first day we've had to rest in weeks. we're halfway through our run of the sound of music! i edited the photo a little to show the colors better. 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

// burden //

sometimes the weight of humanity
(including my own)
weighs down my little soul
until it practically sickens me.

If my finite self can be so
crushed with the futile tragedy
of the depraved rejectors of their only cure

how on earth or in the heavens above
must Christ have felt
He who knew no sin Himself
who wasn't only a reawakened dust-mote
but the All Encompassing, bound in a body

how must it have felt to have
 all the massive sin of everyone, everywhere
for the entire span of time
on His shoulders?

Perfect holy shoulders,
streaming blood.

How could they not break
under just one breath of sin?
How could he be willing to
walk beside man and his fallenness
let alone bend under it?

If we could comprehend-
Oh, for the grace to ever truly
appreciate and feel it-

we would be a different
people. Our burden would be
a different one, more profound
and yet lighter.

How can we point our noses and
play at church
when God let sin touch
Himself for our disgusting selves?

written January 11 2016
xxx I've been debating over posting this for a long time...  I don't want to sound judgmental, especially towards the end, because believe me, I'm talking to myself. Always talking to myself. Here it is, anyways. xxx

Sunday, April 17, 2016


what to say... it's late at night and the hours of my birthday are slowing dying away.

being 18(or 17, probably 19, maybe any age) feels, to me, most like standing on one of those suspension bridges they have in the mountains... long, unsteady. You have to trust it, trust the Rock in which it is placed. And yet... always and yet... 

You're standing here, mist obscuring either end of the bridge and the precipice below. The feeling is less fear than frozenness. You could step forward and find yourself at the end of the bridge. Or there could be a great distance still to go. And anyways, when you do get off this hanging, swaying connection, in all likelihood you'll still have a mountain to climb.

and it's crazy scary, exhausting and sometimes you almost wish the whole bridge would just go crashing down so you wouldn't even have to think about what to do next. 

but you don't really wish that because let's be honest. being on a rickety suspension bridge in the middle of a wild mountain might be terrifying...

but it's pretty exciting too.

here's to a year chasing God and letting His plan be revealed when He decides to clear the mist. 

as far as looking back, this has been such an uneventful year for me in one sense, yet I feel I've grown so much and God has been working on me. I'm so hopeful for what could happen this year.

I mean I've already eaten a bagel, the best sandwich ever, wandered around downtown with Ryn, Mom and Dad, gone to a concert and gotten a new Macbook among other awesome gifts.  Not to mention so many wishes from people, which made me feel special :3 So far it's looking good. Too bad next week is stressful and busy. But hey-

At least I have more bagels;)

(also this is my 100th post, what should I do to celebrate?  I'm open to anything and everything for ideas, you guys are all awesome.)

and now I'm actually going to bed since I already started to once and remebered I needed to do this. ha ha. this is probably a really rambly non cohesive post.  

Saturday, April 16, 2016

//aegri somnia//

via pinterest

 You know how, in nightmares, there often is one bright thing
one good, natural thing amidst a landscape of freakish, surreal horror
and how that one thing in its goodness, it's normalcy,
 only serves to make the rest more vibrantly sordid?

my life, now, is a nightmare

and I think-I feel- I know-you are the one good thing.
and even though you are the one bright spot in this murkish dream,

I don't want you to have to exist in its tainted chaos.
It will be darker without you, it's true
but somehow I think that will be better.
I think knowing you are out there, in the light
will be a comfort in the dark.
I would rather you be free of it

and I, to suffer alone.

aegri somnia- a sick man's dreams

xxx tomorrow is my birthday and probably-possibly-potentially- my 100th post!! xxx

Saturday, April 9, 2016

// flower by ryn d. //

it was just a flower.
not even a blooming one.
it was dried up, and it was withered.
it was discolored. perhaps once it had been
pink or white or yellow.
but now if you were to try to describe it
you'd have to say it looked something similar
to stale, cold old tea, left out in the rain.
it was just an old flower.
but it was a flower
that caught my eye.
it was standing a little above
all the others in the bouquet.
like, even though she was far too old
she was hoping, just hoping, to catch
a whift of a beautiful summer wind
in her wildest dreams
even be carried away in his arms
another meadow, another summer
another life.
but of course
it had long been trapped in a foggy vase
never ever to breath that again.
someone took that away from her.
and as i came closer to her
i realized
just how very young 
she had been.
so soft and delicate 
underneath the wrinkled skin.
i could imagine how she must have blossomed
before she was broken.
how she must have danced before
someone came along and snapped
her long, slender leg.
how she must have stood on point so tall
a little above all the others
her graceful arms twirling to the wind's
deep, passionate song.
and, i wondered, how she felt when she realized
as she fell limp in a stronger one's hand
that her beauty
had betrayed her
if she thought to herself 
she should have hidden it, amongst the tall grass.
and if
as she gasped her last when the door closed out her world
if she tried to warn her sisters
"though the world knows us for our beauty
don't let them know your own"
"for it is all you have
and all i had"
i wonder how she felt when her agile limbs
fell weak and damp.
when someone touched every inch of her 
helpless, sweet innocence
and smelled away her sweet perfume
for his own immediate pleasure.
on a whim, without thought he'd done this
because her beauty had pleased his eye
her youth, her blooming charm.
and with that, with one touch
ended that for her forever.
dunked in cold water in a hard, glass cup
and placed in the center of a dark table
her dying beauty for all eyes to watch.
when her lover, the wind's song, was beat out of her chest
by the suffocating cloud of indoors.
then how she felt when she was spilled and forgotten
eventually noticed and tossed amongst all the others
who'd lived and died just as her.
sad, hanging heads. she stood a little taller.
the second half of the last note she ever sang
still inside her.
one petal
cracked but facing the sky
as if she was caught mid-dance.
her face
still longing to feel the wind.
her beauty blossoming in a new way
from broken pieces had formed 
her tears had fallen for lost love
injured dance and quieted song.
her heart had angered for the selfishness
of the hand who'd took what was her's.
but now her life
spoke the words of the world.
her story
tells us the way of humanity.
and her death warns us
of how we shall choose to live.

by my sister Ryn

Friday, April 8, 2016

// painted in blue //

i've been waiting for some feels to write, but since none are coming i guess i'll write myself some feels...

via pinterest
i am painted in blue, today
shades and tints of deep and fade
hues greenish and black
i stare at nothing
i blink
i feel if i were to cry
my cheeks would become stained
with oceanic ink
and if i speak
the words would drip 
with raw, rough sapphires
so i'll stay silent
yet even in my silence
i hear the color
i am painted
in a melancholy of blue

Sunday, April 3, 2016

//haiku #24//

// wings that shine brightest
with vivid color often
break soonest as well //

Saturday, April 2, 2016

the text tag

Ava of Quiet Land has created this awesome tag, and she nominated me!!
Thank the person who nominated you and give a link to their blog.
Answer the original 6 text-themed questions.
Add a typography/word related question of your own for those you tagged to answer.
Tag 6+ bloggers, and let them know.
Include these rules in your post.
(feel free to use the image above, designed by Ava)

The Q:
1. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? 
2. What are three words that you love?   
3. What are three words you hate?   
4. If you were to create a word, what would it be, and what would it describe?.
5. What is your favorite three punctuation marks?
6. What are three of your favorite fonts? 

My Answers;
1.  ugh hard. I like the letter N, and X.... I don't know, I like most all the letters!!!
2.  Metamorphosis, glisten, anticipation 
3.   Acid, vomit, mucous
4.   (ok, I have to do two because I actually was just thinking about them.) Finidot, n. a small dot at the end of a sentence(basically, a period. Because I hate the word period.) and tantle, v. To caress another's hair.
5.   ! ? ( 
6.   PhilosopherAdmiration Pains, and Times New Roman 
Ava's Q to the nominees: Do you prefer writing on paper or typing? I like both, actually. Typing is faster, but there's something about pen to paper. I really can't say I definitively prefer either.

My question to my nominees- Do you prefer serif or sans-serif?

I tag Shandi, Olivia, Lauren, Kimberly, Kelsey, and YOU!!

I just remember Olivia also tagged me for the happy tag, so I'll be doing that soon!!